A fellow marketer sent me this job posting as he knew it was something that I would get a good laugh from. I like to share ,so here is it. You’ll soon see why the “ALL” in the title of this post is in all caps.
Start of job posting ->
Austin based consumer products company/ business to business company is seeking an individual to operate a one person marketing department. Individual must have at least 5 years EXPERIENCE and must be able to PROVE experience in the areas below by providing actual projects and campaigns. Environment is hectic, fast-paced, deadline intensive and requires ability to manage, control multiple daily deadlines in many areas.
Skill sets required:
Must demonstrate how you can manage dozens of daily deadlines, which are hit, without missing details. Must show systems used to manage detail.
Demonstrate ability to develop campaigns and branding in print, web, social, promotional, trade how, etc. Must show examples of campaigns and programs you have created, whcih have been successfully implemented and must demonstrate results with detailed data.
Data Crunching and Research
Demonstrate your skill and experience in monitoring data in terms of response rates, success or purchase rates, success of campaigns, etc. Also ability to research concepts for supportaive collatoral materials, sales documents, presentations, etc.
Management of Layout/Design
Demonstrate your ability to manage a graphics team and how you communicate and create successful graphics. Position will require occassional design work as well when graphics departments cannot respond to last minute changes or needs.
Ability to operate, without stressful reaction to continual changes, adjustments, change of direction or strategy, continual updates of campaigns, web, graphics.
Demonstrate ability to write powerful headlines and copy with actual ads, campaigns, presentations you have written, whcih have been used successfully in market.
Experience and skill in developing a high profile for brands on Facebook, Twitter, Linked In and others, including successful “like” and fan page adoption. ability to tweet on behalf of brands and customers frequently, ability to use social as a tool to drive busiess to brands.
Demonstrate ability and skills to place brands at the top of Google search, Yahoo, Bing and others consistently and understand how to prevent brands from being spam-labeled.
Demonstrate ability to update website data as needed in a timely fashion, operate CMS systems with ability to manipulate systems to create correct professional appearance.
Listening & Survey Skills
Ability to listen and take direction and follow through to completion independently, ability and experience in client and customer surveys, focus groups, online survey creation and related conclusions and interpretation.
WordPress, Blogger and Type Pad
Demonstrate ability and experience at creating blogs in these platforms, blog posts, interesting blog design and ability to create customized look through manipulation of html.
Project Management and Basecamp
Demonstrate ability to operate in a highly detailed, step by step project management environment with daily milestone management with all persons and partners involved in projects.
Layout & Design Skills
Ability to create graphic elements, brochures, ads, manipulate photographcs as needed for some projects and in the event last minute “fires” cannot involve others typically involved.
Strong Editing Skills
Ability to edit copy, spell check, grammer check on web copy, ad copy, etc.
Ability to create animated flash campaigns.
Understanding of spam and email laws, management of databases, copy writing for email, creating campaigns for email with appropriate approach and frequency. Ability to craft text and html- based email (must speak html), develop multiple linking elements, attractive and professional appearance, etc.
Video and Audio Management
Ability to oversee audio and video creation (radio, television ads, corporate video) and ability to create basic video editing skill. Experience managing or overseeing video, audio production and dvd authoring.
Experience with managing marketing lists and sub lists and understanding the core essentials of building, maintaining and utilizing targeted databases.
Marketing Plan Creation/Implementation
Experience at crafting strategy from the customer needs analysis to branding, direction, promotion, advertising, public relations, customer experience, customer service, customer follow up.
Follow Through Skills
This role involves hundreds of moving parts as you oversee and execute multiple high prioritiy initiatives simultaniously, thus requiring tremendous ability to manage details, not miss details, follow through as well as ability to anticipate issues, needs, problems in advance.
Though company is operating with reduced staff (recession) you will manage other people and will interact with many others. Must have exerience and demonstrate success as a manager.
Acustomed to Long Hours and Fierce Deadlines
Evertying must be done and implemented on launch or due dates, which requires a “can do no matter what” attitude. You cannot go home until each days projects are complete.
Excellence Driven and Upbeat Attitude
Getting things done is not enough. Getting them done with excellence and quality, taking extra steps if necessary to assure quality is imperative. Must remain upbeat in constant pressure-cooker environment with big loads, high demands and limted resources.
Trade Show and Event Development, Strategy, Implementation
Experience creating and implementing trade show strategy, booth design, creative promotions and alternatives, sponsorships, event creation and experience with “booth” time under your belt.
Experience creating, writing and developing concepts for consumer and B to B, B to C, B to G campagns. Must have experience tracking success and testing ads.
Brand Development and Building
Experience inventing brand positions, developing brands and carrying project through from concept, logo development, brand exposure, brand reinforcement and brand enhancement. Also experience in giving new life to tired brands.
Direct Response Advertising
Ability to create advertising with requires immediate customer purchase via online sites, inbound phone, telemarketing, phone scripting, media scripting.
Business Development Initiatives
Ability to envision collaborative efforts with partners, media, other companies and to make contact and set up relationships.
Creative Promotion Creation and Implementation
Ability to develop incentive plans, contests, drawings, promotional campaigns, event promotions, attention getting schemes.
Ability to Cut Through Clutter
Know how to grab attention, get noticed, get better than normal results, stand above the crowd, create controversay.
Interested in Innovation
Individual must like to shake things up, break the status quo and create new and creative ways to make paradigm-breaking change.
Budget Focused and Frugal
Must have ability to create, manage or follow budgets, save the company money on every possible initiative.
Vendor Relationships Management:
Manage production, design, printing, web, app creation, trade show booth, graphics, promotional items, etc) including cost control, budgeting and negotiation.
Must have excellent communication skills, ability to interact with public, ability to travel, ability to commute to Austin office weekdays, pro-active, ability to operate without much guidance or micro management, some sales experience helpful. We prefer individual accustomed to a smaller, fast-paced business environment. If you cannot
move fast with excellence this job will eat you alive. We prefer “corporate” marketing types not apply because you are accustomed to deep resources and deep budgets. We need people who can be resourceful where budgets do not always exist or where resources are limited.
Must be versed in MAC and PC and have EXTENSIVE Experience in the following programs (you will be tested for your ability)
– After Effects
– In Design
– Google (mail, docs)
– CMS Systems
– Web Management Systems
– Email marketing systems
– Database management systems
Pay will be commensorate with your skill sets.
To apply for this job. (Read carefully. If you do not follow this plan it is an indicator that you cannot follow direction and therefore we will delete your application without reading it.)
– Do NOT apply if you do not possess most of the skills and software listed in this ad.
– Do NOT apply if you do not have at least 5 years experience in marketing.
– In your email COVER letter (do not attach a cover letter) explain why you are right for this job.
– If your cover letter does not demonstrate marketing and copy writing ability you will be deleted.
– If your cover letter says “Dear Sirs” you are not creative. Don’t bother applying.
– Attach ONE DOCUMENT only. PLACE YOUR FULL NAME is the document title.
– That document must demonstrate:
Your abilit to be creative
Your graphics ability
Your resume BREFLY
HOW YOU RATE YOURSELF (A, B or C) in EACH of the CATEGORIES LISTED ABOVE
Examples of your work
Examples of success
IF you apply and get past the initial screening you will be taken through a six interview process and will be asked to PROVE your experience and skill in each area.
(We’re not jerks, really, we just know 99% of the people applying never read the requirements and apply anyway. Our hiring process helps assure that we hire the right person and thus that person stays around a long time.)
<- End of job posting